Secrets
by Linali
Summary: Hera and Kanan have a secret, the revealing of which might be just a bit too much for Hera to handle gracefully. Hera/Kanan
1. Chapter 1

**Author note: Hey all- I have been out of the fanfiction writing 'business' for about twelve years, so please be patient with me. I promise, the next fic will be a bit better- I just had to get this idea out of my head first. XD I deleted all my old fics (you're welcome) so, this is my first fic for all intents and purposes. Anyhow, this is obviously wibbly-wobbly on the timing. I can't seem to find anything that says how long Hera and Kanan have been doing this rebellion thing definitively, so it's either current or in the future a bit, I guess.**

"I don't know what to do with that kid," Kanan said, plopping down in the co-pilot's seat next to Hera after a training session with Ezra, "he just can't seem to focus."

The twi'lek smirked, "I seem to remember a certain young Jedi padawan who had similar issues a few years back…" she teased. Kanan smacked her shoulder affectionately, "Yeah, yeah...let's just say I have a new respect for Master Billaba after this. I don't know how she put up with me."

Hera's face softened a bit, knowing that walking down this road was likely to end up with Kanan reminiscing a bit too much about the past, "Oh, it's not as hard as all that. I put up with you too, I should know."

Kanan opened his mouth to say something more- Force knew what, but they were interrupted by a well-timed communiqué.

"Imperial trade ship spotted on the outer rim. Should be easy pickings, carries important cargo. Report to sector immediately and retrieve."

Hera sighed, "guess we should know by now that we don't get a break for long." She put on a smile and opened ship wide coms, "new mission, guys. Kanan and Ezra are team one, Zeb and Sabine team two. Basic drop and grab."

* * *

><p>A few hours later, Hera dropped the ship down planet-side, running to the bay as quickly as she could and helping Ezra and Sabine pull a prone Zeb into the ship.<p>

"What -happened- out there?!" She shouted, "and where is Kanan?"

"He stayed behind to give us time, Ezra explained, giving a worried glance in that direction, "but he should be right behind us..."

Hera's green eyes narrowed. Everything screamed at her that something was -wrong-. She had found more often than not that it was better to wait for Kanan to sort things out himself, but this just didn't feel like one of those times. She went into leader-mode, "Ezra, you take the con, fly overhead to pick us up." The kid was too beat up to be any use on the ground, and he and Zeb didn't have a good enough relationship for him to be any help with the other.

"Sabine, you get Zeb to the infirmary and start patching him up. I'm going after Kanan."

Before either of them could protest, she gave them her best 'do not mess with me right now' look and jumped out, shutting the bay door behind her.

Then, she ran- blaster in front of her. She managed to find the fray easily enough- Kanan was completely surrounded. And, as she was watching, down he went. Luckily, the element of surprise was on her side, and she managed to blast a hole in the back of the group, and grab him before they realized she was there. Then, of course, they closed back in around her.

She was barely holding on when the Ghost appeared above them, bay door open. She grabbed on, pulling herself and Kanan onto the ship, and off they went.

* * *

><p>An hour later, Hera was in their room, face more red than green,<p>

"Of all the stupid, stubborn, pig-headed moves!" she shouted at him. Kanan put his hands up, "Hey, now, I had to get the kids out of there. I had it all under control until the reinforcements showed up…"

She punched him in the arm, "And -then- what were you going to do? I almost -lost- you out there!" There were tears sparkling in her eyes now, and most of the red was gone from her complexion, "You're all I have left, Kanan.."

The jedi shook his head, "That's not true, Hera. What about Zeb, and Sabine and Ezra?"

She punched him again, this time hard enough that he was rubbing his shoulder, "It's not the same and you -know- it, you selfish, idiotic-" she didn't get a chance to finish her rant, because then his lips covered hers, and all the rest of the red vanished from her cheeks.

It was short-lived however, because the door clattered open and Sabine walked in,

"The boys are fighting again alrea-" she blinked, noticing what they were doing, and grinned, "Ohhhhhhhhhh my goodness!" she squeaked, and ran out the door.

Hera and Kanan ran after her, the twi'lek's complexion red again, though this time not in anger,

"Sabine! Wait!" she shouted, but it was too late, the girl was already in the infirmary with Zeb and Ezra.

"Ezra! I just caught Hera and Kanan totally making out!" she told the other, her eyes sparkling with laughter. Ezra blinked in surprise, giving them a suspicious look, "Whoa! How long have you two been dating?!" he asked.

Hera turned an even deeper shade of red, if that was possible, "We're not dating…" she started, searching her poor, emotionally overtaxed brain for a diplomatic way of explaining things to them. She still hadn't come up with anything when Kanan apparently decided to forgo diplomacy altogether,

"We're married."

Chopper's robotic chuckle was the only noise in the infirmary as all three other teammates' jaws dropped. Ezra was the first to recover, "-Married-?!" he exclaimed, "how come you never told us?"

"Yeah, why weren't we invited to the wedding?" Sabine piped up. Hera's colouring had mostly returned at this point, and she shrugged, "it's never really come up. Jedi are discouraged from having relationships, so keeping it a secret is just kind of...habit." she put in.

"How long have you been married?" Zeb asked in disbelief.

Kanan grinned, "Oh, about 2years, 4 months, 3 days, and 22 hours, I'd guess...long before we met you guys" his voice was nonchalant, but he was obviously enjoying the shock on everyone's faces.

Hera gave him a skeptical side glance, "Really?" she asked, "How do you remember?"

He shrugged, "It was right after the mission on Mos Eisley," he recalled, "remember? We retreated to the outer colonies.." The twi'lek got a sort of wistful look on her face, "Our honeymoon lasted about 4 hours, and then we had to go blow up that base. Man, we were terrible at keeping low back then. We were running around so much I don't remember what happened when anymore."

Kanan dropped an arm around her shoulders, giving her a fond look, "But those explosions did look a lot like fireworks. It was a little romantic…"

"A little," she acquiesced. The other three just stared at them for a moment.

Then, Zeb shook his head, "You guys are messing with us," he said. But both of them grinned all the wider, "Nope," Kanan assured him, "we really are married. Shows just how observant all of you are. Hadn't you ever noticed we live in the same quarters?"

Ezra and Sabine exchanged looks. Neither of them had ever really noticed, and from the looks of it, neither had Zeb. Ezra looked back at the older two, "You guys don't have any more crazy secrets hiding around here, though, right? Like, say, a little twi'lek/jedi hybrid belowdecks?"

Teenage boys could be so stupid. Sabine kicked him under the bed that Zeb was sitting on, but he obviously didn't get it because he mostly just gave her a confused look. Something dark flashed across Hera's face briefly, but then her smile was back and she shook her head, "You are our family," she said softly, then came closer to Zeb, looking him over, "Speaking of which...how are you doing, Zeb?"

The Lasat, at least, got the measure of the room, and put a hand on Hera's shoulder, "Doing all right, 'mom'." his voice had none of the teasing tone he usually got when he used that word, but it still seemed to sting and the twi'lek pulled away, leaving the room without a word. Kanan and Sabine exchanged a look, and the girl headed after her while the Jedi clapped his hands together,

"So. Who wants some dinner?" he asked, attempting to re-direct Ezra, at least.

* * *

><p>Hera was sitting in the pilot's seat, staring ahead of her like always when Sabine entered the room. The girl sat down in the co-pilot's seat,<p>

"Want to talk about it?" she asked softly. Hera sighed, pushing a few buttons to put the ship on auto before pulling her knees up to her chest. She continued to stare out at the stars while answering,

"There's a reason, you know, that the twi'lek are often chosen as slaves. It's not just because of our appearance. While it is -possible- for us to interbreed, sometimes, it's...not very likely."

Sabine put a hand on the woman's shoulder, but remained quiet, sensing that there was more. There was,

"Kanan and I...it wouldn't work, really. I thought, once, that we were…..but I was wrong.." she took another deep breath, and looked right at Sabine at the next, "and I was glad. Sabine, can you imagine bringing a baby into -this-?" she motioned around the ship, outside, all around, "constantly on the move, in danger, no idea when it will all end? What if we were captured by the empire? Or worse, what if something happened to K-...one of us?"

She shuddered, looking away again, "Kanan has brought it up, of course. He thinks...he thinks it'd be worth trying. But, I know better."

Sabine climbed into the chair with Hera, sitting on her lap to give her a hug. Usually they weren't so touchy-feely, but she needed the hug as much as she suspected the older woman did, "you're a great mom, Hera," she said softly, "really."

The woman sniffled-sobbed and buried her face in the girl's hair. After a moment, she pulled away,

"Oh, Sabine. I'm sorry," she said softly, "I didn't mean to put that all on you. It's just...timing. With Kanan out there almost dying, and Ezra…"

Sabine laughed, "That boy is such an idiot," she shook her head fondly, "but he does love you. We all do."

Hera smiled, smoothing down Sabine's hair affectionately, "Yeah, well, I love you too. Even if you are a bunch of hooligans." The girl hopped out of the chair, offering a hand to the twi'lek, "C'mon. I think Kanan is making something in the kitchen, and we should probably rescue all of us from -that- monstrosity."

The green woman laughed, "Did I ever tell you about the time he tried to make pancakes for breakfast?" She asked, and the two walked off towards the kitchen.

* * *

><p>That night, Hera joined Kanan in their quarters after a late night monitoring the communication lines, and checking up on Zeb. The Jedi pulled her in tightly for a hug before she'd even had a chance to take off her shoes, and she knew something was up.<p>

"What's really going on, Hera?" he asked, gently stroking one lek in just the right way to comfort her without 'suggesting' too much. She sighed, resting her head against his chest,

"I just...I'm worried," she chose her words carefully.

"I love you, and the kids, and I'm just...afraid of losing all of you. What are we doing with them, Kanan? How can we put them in this kind of danger?"

The man pulled her away from him, holding her by the shoulders and meeting her eyes, "Hera. We aren't putting them in danger. How long do you think Ezra would last out there without training? Or Zeb, without someone to control his anger? Or Sabine, without direction?" He brushed her cheek gently with a finger, "We're saving them, love."

"But for how long?" She burst out, pulling away from him entirely and sitting down on the bed, her head between her hands, "Kanan, you could have -died- out there. And, the way things are going, it may just be a matter of time before we all…"

Her husband sat down next to her, putting an arm across her shoulders,

"Listen," he said, "We can't get caught up in what might happen. We've been through this so many times. We have to keep fighting and have faith in ourselves, in the Force."

Hera wrapped her arms around her chest, shivering a bit, "I know, I know. I just….I'm having a hard time, that's all. Not thinking about what could be."

Kanan kissed her forehead, and pulled her close again, "It will all be all right, Hera. Our family might be small, and maybe we're all a little bit broken, but we're doing good things. Those kids are strong and smart and we will get through this. All of it."

"I hope you're right," she said softly. Kanan pulled her down on the bed, and she decided it was okay, just this once, that they hadn't changed into pajamas. She was tired. Emotionally overtaxed and exhausted and just...done. She curled up in his arms, her head against his chest, listening to his heart beating, and sighed.

"I'm not going anywhere, love," he whispered softly. And she knew that he believed it, and, just for a moment, she let herself believe it too.


	2. Negative

**Author's Note: I've been sitting on this for a while. I'm not 100% happy with it, but I've edited it a few times and just can't seem to get where I want with it. I had a request for this specific scene, and somehow that spurred me on. I'm hoping to also get around to a few other bits and pieces, character studies, etc, including Hera and Kanan's first meetup, when they get engaged/married, whatever. I don't know why I'm so obsessed, but there you have it. Please forgive me! ^_- **

She stood there, staring into the mirror for a moment. "Please be negative. Please be negative," she muttered under her breath. Still, she couldn't help pressing a hand to her abdomen, imagining it growing larger with life buried deep within. She let out an exasperated sigh. Only a couple of minutes and she'd know for sure. Why was she having doubts? She knew she wasn't ready for it, might not ever be.

Then, the door opened. Two hours early.

"Negotiations went better than planned," Kanan, it seemed, had been so pleased to come back early that it took him a moment to register the scene in front of him. His words came slowly, deliberately,

"Hera...what are you doing?"

The twi'lek tinged red for a second. What a sight she must be, half naked and staring at herself in the mirror. She thought for a heartbeat about lying, telling him she was examining her scars or something. But, lying to a Jedi never worked out in your favour. She took in another deep breath, then motioned to the mirror,

"Just..checking if anything is...different?" she started.

Kanan's eyebrow raised in suspicion,

"And...why would anything be different?"

Why did he have to be so infuriatingly talented at getting information out of her? Her hand absently brushed her abdomen again and she looked towards the bathroom, the test sitting on the counter- waiting to be checked,

"Should know by now…" she offered. The man was in the bathroom in a flash, peeking down at the test. He came out a second later, and she peered at him curiously,

"And?"

He shook his head, "Negative."

She let out a deep breath she hadn't known she'd been holding, and the jedi came over, wrapping his arms gently around her, kissing the crook of her neck in that perfect spot that was always warm and comfortable,

"What made you think..?" he asked gently. She looked away from the mirror, trying really hard to be as happy as she knew she -ought- to be. The timing was all wrong. They'd been married long enough, of course, but they were still constantly on the run, eternally in danger. Their lives were forfeit the minute they'd signed up for this crazy roller coaster. Still, a part of her was disappointed.

"I messed up timing, miscalculated, two weeks ago" she said, "So...I just wanted to be sure. Stupid, I know. It's practically impossible even if we screw up." He gripped her more tightly, turning her around 'til she fit just right in his arms, her body automatically falling into place against his. He kissed her gently, one of those tender, lingering kisses that spoke to her of the promise he'd made that he'd be there for her forever.

"It's not stupid, love," he murmured, resting his chin on the top of her head, "We haven't..agreed on it, I know you've been against the idea but...we could try.."

She shook her head, "No, Kanan," she pulled away, a tear rolling down her cheek, "I wanted it to be negative. We can't.." A part of her wanted to say yes. She'd love nothing more, in a way, than to carry their child within her. But the timing just wasn't right. It might never be right. And now she had nothing in there to prove her wrong.

"And why not?" they'd argued about this before; off and on for months now. Neither of them was giving any ground- Which was the same thing as saying that Kanan was losing the battle. You can't have half a baby. Hera's tears were flowing freely now, and she reached out to grab his hand,

"We can't...we can't bring a baby into this, Kanan. You know that as well as I do," she sniffled a bit, and he brushed thumbs over her cheek, wiping away the tears,

"Oh, love…" he pulled her back into his arms, kissing her cheek, her neck, her head. He rubbed her wrist gently, "I just want to keep our options open, is all," he said softly, "And I don't think it's fair for you to rule out the idea of us having kids just because you're worried about what might happen. Anything could happen to anyone at any time. Life is full of dangers. I don't see what makes our situation that much worse than any in the Empire right now, and there are plenty of other people still raising families."

Hera shook her head to protest, but he put a finger on her lips, "No, hear me out this time," he said, "I'm not saying it has to be now. I'm not saying any time soon. I'm just saying it's something that deserves more time and thought than we've given it."

"I've given it thought, Kanan," she protested, "don't think I haven't. And a part of me wishes it was possible, but even if we decided to try, it just isn't likely to happen. Twi'lek and human biology just doesn't work that well together. I don't know if I could handle all the disappointment."

Negative test after negative test? What sort of torture would that be? Every month to have the pain ripped fresh and new in her heart. She shivered against him, trying to pull strength from him and failing miserably. Every time she considered giving in, she'd come up with ten more reasons why it was impossible and poorly timed and dangerous.

"So you give up before we even give it a chance?" Now he was the one exasperated. There was more to this than he was letting on, and she gave him a questioning look. He wasn't usually one to push her like this, particularly not when she was clearly already upset. She could feel the muscles in his jaw tighten in determination,

He sighed, "I'm one of the last of my kind, Hera," he said softly, "I just..think it's important, and I want to try to carry on...both of us. And everything that might carry with it. There's a possibility this baby could be like me, and there are so few of us left..."

The woman jumped up, a horrified look on her face, "you want a -Jedi- baby?!" She shouted, "are you insane? With how hard it is to keep you a secret, you want to try and get a -child- not to use his inborn abilities? As if our life isn't dangerous enough?"

Constantly moving, and Kanan barely able to contain himself sometimes. He'd spent years hiding his true identity, of course, his nature. But now, it was different. There were so many close calls it was hard for him not to call on his abilities. He would never put them in danger if he could help it, of course, but sometimes...sometimes she could tell that it took every ounce of self control he'd learned as a child not to act. And he'd still been barely more than a child when his training ended. He slipped more than he'd like, and he beat himself up about it.

So how would he ever manage a child with that kind of ability? Someone with no self control, who required years of training? They'd have to keep it on the ship constantly, possibly give up being part of the rebellion. She couldn't do that- their responsibilities were too great.

But then her eyes fell on her husband, and the sadness in his eyes brought her to his side, her head lying on his shoulder,

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," she said softly as he reached out and gently traced the curved lines of her cheek. She hadn't meant to break his heart that way. She could understand, of course, the fear and loneliness that he must feel. Not knowing the fate of your people. Her own were not much better off.

"Wouldn't it be worth it, though?" His voice was barely above a whisper, "I think our child would be beautiful. Strong and smart, kind and caring, just like its mother. And maybe, just a bit like me. Would that really be so horrible, Hera?"

She sighed, leaning into his hand and kissing his fingers gently. Of course it would be beautiful, and - stars willing- nothing like either of them because if it was they were both in for trouble. They were too stubborn and a child that inherited it from both sides would be a complete hellion.

"I'm not saying never, okay? Maybe if ..when... When things are better, maybe then we can talk about it again. But I can't in good conscience bring a child into our lives right now." She pulled her chin off his shoulder and looked up to meet his eyes, "can you be okay with that?"

He sighed, putting his arms around her chest and pulling her up into his lap. They sat like that, curled up together in silence for a few moments, just taking in the breath and warmth of one another. Gently, he kissed her, "I can." he said softly, "for you, I can wait. But..Hera, my family is gone. Your family is gone. Wouldn't it be nice to have a family again?"

The twi'lek nodded, her ear cones against his chest, listening to his heart beat, "there's more than one way to make a family, though," she murmured, "maybe we should see about filling out our crew. I have some promising leads..."

Kanan traced small circles on the back of her neck, thoughtfully silent again, then nodded, "yes," he said, "maybe it is time."


End file.
